During that last year, I lost both my biological mother and adopted dad within a 4 month period. I was traveling between the two of them and helping to care for them however I could. It was grueling at times and with the rest of life happening, I rarely had time to let it all sink in. I was far too busy with the mechanics of getting through a given day to take a moment to feel what was happening and try to cope with how my life, and likely the relationships I had with many family members was going to change.
That was a mistake. You’ve undoubtedly heard the saying “how do you eat an elephant?…..one bite at a time” (please do not e-mail or slam me on social media for promoting the eating of rare or endangered animals…it’s just a saying and I don’t condone the actual, literal eating of an elephant). When it comes to grief, it turns out that this advice really is the best approach. During the course of that year, I didn’t allow myself to feel anything except the incredible pressure and stress of getting through whatever urgency or even emergency that was happening at the moment. I didn’t take the time to allow the thought of the loss to sink in at all. So instead of the manageable approach of bite-by-bite elephant eating, I waited until it was all over to tackle that, which ended up with me getting sat on, trampled, and even defecated on by said elephant. I wouldn’t advise that approach. Ever.
Being adopted is a gift in so many ways, but if an adopted child reunites with their biological family it also means that they now have TWO sets of parents that they’ll lose. Considering the amount of pain involved in losing one parent, more is not better in this case. If I were to offer any advice in this realm, it would be for anyone going through any kind of pain or loss to carve out time for some self-care in the emotional health department. Take some time to allow yourself to feel the pain, the frustration, whatever emotions come up for you. Recognize them as valid feelings, no matter how inconvenient they are and then try to develop a healthy relationship with those feelings so that you don’t get lost in your grief or are unable to move past it. For me, losing my dad was basically losing an entire aspect of my life since I had lost my adopted mom years earlier. Our family was very small and aside from a cousin I keep in touch with, he was it. Even though our relationship wasn’t exactly perfect, it was still a part of me and a whole era of my life was gone with his death. At the same time came the complexity of losing my biological mom and how that would change the dynamics of that side of my family. Although these were all things I did eventually address and, in some part are still working through today, it would have been much easier if I would have taken a few bites of that elephant while I was going through it instead of waiting to take it all in at once.
If you’re going through something even vaguely similar, stop reading this and immediately put some time for yourself on the calendar where you’re doing something that brings you joy and peace, if only for a couple of hours. Feel what you’re going to feel and don’t judge it. Most importantly, don’t deny it. You not only deserve it but you need it for healthy survival.
